Emotional Creature

I’ll be the first to tell you that I have a sensitive heart. And by now, you’ve surely figured that out from this page alone. But if you know me in ‘real life’, you know exactly what I mean. I’m an emotional creature. I feel things deeply and always have. I get my feeling hurt and I take things too personally sometimes. And for most of my life, I saw this as a flaw. As something I needed to overcome. I scolded myself for getting emotional during happy, sad and scary times. And I urged myself to stifle my emotions so as not to make others uncomfortable. I wanted to appear strong, and to me, that always equated to being stoic. After all, all the strongest people could be described as stoic, right? Wrong.

It was a tough fit for me to force anyway. A square peg in a round hole that was just a little too small to accommodate it. And for years, it exhausted me. It drained me in a very real way. It was so draining, in fact, that a few years ago, I threw my hands up and said ‘Eff it!’ This is me, and I need to be true to myself, so now, I wear my heart on my sleeve with a reckless pride. I cry when I need to, laugh louder and more abundantly that I can even believe and grieve when something touches my heart for better or for worse. I speak my mind tactfully and tattoo my body in ways that feel meaningful and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. Because at the end of the day, my opinion is the only one that will be with my soul forever anyway.

But it sure wasn’t an easy road to get here. I wear the scars of lost friendships, unimaginable betrayal and squandered love. I hold onto feelings of rejection and the ‘What ifs?’ that accompany it. I dwell on this stuff, mostly in my mind and sometimes out loud (and always while vacuuming or washing dishes, because that’s when I do my best thinking). I allow myself to feel these things in an effort to work through them, even if it’s messy and yields no true result. And I cry freely, clench my fists if I need to and then straighten my mindset, because no good comes from sitting in self-doubt and pity. Life has shown me that so many times over and surely always will.

Certain events test my resolve to be an emotional creature. It’s usually the unexpected times where my emotions bubble over. At a recent family wedding where some family members were absent. The passage of an important day without acknowledgement from a loved one. The act of writing Christmas cards and seeing how the list has changed over the years and mourning the friendships that have ‘fallen off’. The old Lauren would have stifled the feelings that went along with that stuff. She would have pretended it was okay and even concocted a story in her mind to justify it. A venal lie, but it was mortal because she was telling it to herself. But the new me doesn’t do that anymore. She owns her shit, but she also reminds herself that she isn’t responsible for other people’s shit by proxy. And there’s so much freedom in letting go of what you can’t control, isn’t there? For me, that looks a lot like madness. I let myself cry, and then I crank some loud music and dance and sing it all out. Because for me, there is nothing more cathartic than tears and music. Well, maybe writing, too, but that’s a given because you can’t have Lauren without the copious words…

How do you manage disappointment in your own life? Do you confront it head-on or do you stifle it? I hope that whatever you do brings you peace in your heart. And if it doesn’t, keep turning that square peg until you find somewhere that it fits seamlessly. I promise that perfect fit is out there, and together, maybe we can find it. Light and love, today and always.