Real talk: I came really close to deactivating this page and deleting my blog this evening. You see, I’m prone to freak-outs and tonight one reared its ugly head. I got stuck in an endless internal loop of telling myself that I’m crazy to want to share my stories and my writing. That I’m simply not good enough. That because I don’t know where I want it to go, I shouldn’t be doing it at all. That I’m baring too much of my soul and that I might regret it someday. And for some reason, I voiced those doubts to someone other than my husband.
Handsome Pants is always the master at talking my down off my proverbial and self-imposed ledges. He helps me see the reasons beyond my madness and usually knows better than me on matters of my heart anyway. He’s known me since I was 18 years old and seen me through every age and stage in between, so he’s my grounding force. And he has successfully talked me out of my ‘Delete my blog/FB Page/internet presence’ wild streaks before. I could have gone to him with this latest anxiety-driven idea. He would have eased my mind and soothed my thoughts yet again and I would have been just fine. And just the knowledge that I’m married to a man like that brings me so much peace.
But tonight, I felt pulled towards another trusted force in my life. A good friend who has a history of imparting the sagest of wisdom upon any situation I’ve brought forth to her. So, I unloaded it all. My insecurities about sharing. My disappointments about people who I expected to be supportive failing to ‘get on board’. My worry about not knowing where I wanted any of this to end up and feeling silly for not having a ‘plan’. And she listened. She let me spew it all out and then she gave practical and supportive feedback. She reminded me that I’m not writing for anyone else but myself. She advised that not everyone can relate to everything that I write and maybe that’s why I’m not seeing the expected response from certain people. And then she told me to stop giving a damn. Well, not in so many words, but that was the gist of it. She reminded me just how happy writing makes me and that the moment it starts to feel like a job is the moment I should stop. She pointed out that life is a learning experience and we just have to go through it, even the stuff that scares us. And then she recommended some great books because that’s another thing we connect on. We both love to read.
And you see, I’m back here just a few hours later. Writing and sharing and putting my heart on the line because that’s what I’m called to do. To stifle myself would make me so sad and I’d always wonder ‘What if?’ if I stopped now. We only get one life to live out our biggest and wildest dreams and writing is one of mine. So, I’m casting my caution and my cares to the wind and I’m continuing to take this chance in spite of my anxieties and insecurities. I’m running like mad towards the unknown because it feels impossible to turn away from it. And I’m taking the best of the best along with me because in the end, they’re the greatest blessings in this game called life anyway.
I hope that you are running towards your passions, too. And that you have at least one grounding force who knows your heart through and through. Lastly, I hope you can be that friend for someone else, too. We’re all on this wild ride together and we need to hold onto one another and lift each other up while we all pursue the best versions of ourselves. And at least during this season of my life, that version of me includes the distinction of ‘writer’, even if I sometimes allow it to be an optional afterthought.
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